[By Big C]
This morning, I had to text my boss again… I just did like a week plus ago.
“Dear boss, my son is down with fever again… sorry but I will need to take urgent leave today…”
Small E is very prone to having fever from baby days, no matter how serious or mild the illness may be. Whereas Big E only gets fever when she gets very serious infection.
Because of this condition, and him being in infant care since 4 months old, you can only imagine how often I have to text my bosses…
Of course, I am blessed that my current bosses are understanding and well aware of my situation (i.e NO village support so I will always need to be away when the kids are down). So I do not need to face direct confrontation. My role is unique and I work very independently with other departments so I do not need to face team mates’ judgement. Plus boss allows me to work from home if necessary.
I know I am in a much better situation than most working mums and dads out there. But then.. work is work.. which means despite all the flexibility and understanding, work MUST BE done and that work can be really intense. We are also “governed” by work logs where we have to log in 8 hours worth of tasks every day.
So there is always a struggle trying to be the good mum and the good staff. There is guilt no matter how.
You may ask me, why not rotate with your hubby? Yup, that could be an option but his work environment and culture is different; and he cannot handle the kids alone for the whole day especially when they are ill. Besides, mums being mums. I wouldn’t be able to focus on my work, knowing that my kid is unwell.
And so as usual, after I text boss this morning, I focussed on my velcro baby and called the clinic to make an appointment. Though this is the Nth time, I can’t help but worry and wonder what boss would reply. There is always this fear as I don’t know when would boss decide that enough is enough.
I am afraid of being judged.. I am afraid of falling behind my work.. I am afraid of losing my worth despite working so hard… I am afraid of losing the job…
Yes, I am afraid of losing this job because we cannot survive on single income; and I am afraid of being rejected by other employers because of my priority and commitment. I am afraid of being a full time SAHM too because I know I wouldn’t be a good one.
All these thoughts will keep going through my mind Every.Single.Time I have text my boss an absence message. Followed by the stress of work not done, and emails not replied to, wondering if there is anything urgent that I missed out…
Then I get hit by mum’s guilt because my kid is sick and my mind is full of work. My mind will then switch quickly to re-focus on Small E again. And fatigue will start to kick in because a sick child is a whiny child and is a clingy child.
Now I can only hope he gets well soon and we can return to regular routine again.
Till the next message… …
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